WHAT will the New Year bring for the people of South Lakeland? My guess is as good as yours and my guesses are:

January: In a cost-cutting measure Cumbria County Council decides to confine its snow clearing programme to roads in Carlisle and West Cumbria on the grounds that people who live in the Lake District and Westmorland are largely rich and retired and, therefore, have no need to go anywhere until the weather improves, while those in Furness never go far afield even in high summer.

February: At their annual meetings Cumbria Tourist Board and the Friends of the Lake District decided to cut costs by employing a joint staff and sharing the same offices after reaching a Heads of Agreement which states that both organisations know what is best for the county.

March: An archaeological dig six miles north west of Kendal discovers that long ago there was civilisation at a place called Grayrigg.

April: Large-scale work parties begin sowing a million Spartina Anglica plants to supplement those already growing on Grange foreshore. A spokesman says: "The last thing we want is those ugly mudflats back. Besides, building land in Grange is in short supply. Once a few acres have been reclaimed we can use it to build affordable houses. It will be nice for those living in the big houses on the fellside to be able to look down on the poor instead of having them as next door neighbours."

May: In a sudden change of heart the Lake District National Park Authority says: "Sorry we have got it wrong about banning speed boats from Windermere. We do not need a 10mph limit. All that is necessary is to place a string of buoys down the centre of the lake and introduce a clockwise only rule.

"That way we can keep some sort of order, the things we have to ban are those confounded sailing boats. They are nothing but trouble. They never keep any sort of order, and they just seem to go wherever the wind takes them."

June: South Lakeland district councillors decide to protect essential services by making themselves redundant. A spokesman said: "In future people will just have to elect the officers, after all, we have known for years that they make the decisions anyway. We should have called it a day sooner, but the attendance fees have helped eke out our pensions."

July: Headlines are made by a search for an 18-feet long alligator, which has escaped from a wild life collection and is thought to be hiding in Tarn Hows. It is later found not to have disappeared, but was merely lying unnoticed behind its feeding bowl. "This sort of publicity was the last thing we needed just before the start of the school holidays," says the owner.

August: Fed up with being in Cumbria and unwanted by Yorkshire, Sedbergh declares itself an independent county. Nobody notices.

September: In a bid to pull tourists away from Bowness, Grasmere builds a 500-feet high Wordsworth Wheel.

A spokesman said: "One of William's most famous works was Upon Westminster Bridge and we are sure that if he had been writing today he would have been just as inspired by the London Eye as he was by the spires he could see back in the olden days.

"The wheel will give devotees of the poet a chance to wander lonely up into the clouds and we will be giving a free bunch of daffodils to the millionth passenger."

October: Work begins on the Shap by-pass. A road engineer says: "I have to admit we can't get it right in Kendal, so we are building a six-lane road round Shap to at least give ourselves a fighting chance of managing the situation before it gets out of control there as well.

November: Banned from pursuing foxes by new government legislation, the fell packs introduce Tourist Hunting.

"We are being very fair about this," said a huntsman. "We have introduced a close season from Easter to October 31 while they are contributing to the economy but outside that time anyone we spot on the fells is fair game.

"After new youngsters to the sport have been blooded we will cut off the quarry's hiking boots and have them stuffed and mounted as pack trophies.

December: Both county and district councils announce that economies during the year mean that Council Tax will not be raised during 2004 and is, in fact, likely to be cut by 20 per cent.

The news is celebrated by a large inflatable pie tethered high in the sky on a rope to the Town Hall.

January 3, 2003 12:30