THOSE posh folk down South never miss an opportunity to have a little dig at the Northern way of life, as shown in this example sent to me by Gazette reader Susan Heyes.

On closer inspection it may, however, have been written by a Northerner, as those down at the unfortunate end of the M6 never seem to me to have much of a sense of humour ...

"RELOCATING in Northern England is good for business. Lots of the starving unemployed eager to work for a pittance of pay and daring not to complain or they'll be out on the street with their dozens of screaming bairns, and benefits cut for six months.

But are you really getting the most from them?

Are they as much use as a chocolate teapot' when it comes to the complexities of modern technology?

Research has shown that Northerners aren't as thick as they make out. They just can't grasp the meaning of modern English. That's why you need our new software package . . .

So what are you waiting for? Me to go to the foot of our stair?! Buy your employees Northern Word today, and see your profits rise! For this month only we'll ship Northern Word to you for the incredibly daft price of Only £59.99 +VAT ! Tha'd ave t'be soft in t'head not to say "Aye, champion!" And that's not all!Respond to this advert within 10 days and receive free a:

Great New Translating Tool!

With this little beauty you can have your employees type in their own language:

Ow do youth, ows tha bin?

A mun tell thee that t'clever sods ere at Hardwick and Granville ave cum oop wi this reet grand gubbins wot can elp thee a treet.

Its sorta like this great whopping oojah wi' flashing lights an' knobs on an' all wot can do thee addin up faster than thar can spit on a whippet. An' that's saying summat! If tha wants a skeg then get thee over t' Wool Exchange on Mundy where wil be showing eet off.

If thars a jammy sod then appen thar'l even win a prize, so who sez tha dunt get owt for nowt in this world. Ah'll sithee then youth, Johnny Northerner, Bloke wot does t'sellin.

At a touch of a key Northern Word can convert it into proper English. Et Voil ...

Dear Mr Customer, Announcing the new Accounts software from H&G Systems Ltd! Come along to our stand at the NEC this Monday and see it for yourself! Enter your business card into the lucky draw for a chance to win a great prize! Hope to see you there, John South, Marketing Executive.'

With this piece of clever software your customers need never even know that you are exploiting a demoralised workforce of ex-miners and ex-shipyard welders desperate to work for your pitiful, barely legal, wages! And you'll make a killing!

For further details, e-mail northernword@patronisingmanagers.com

Don't delay! Buy Northern Word Today!

April 17, 2003 12:31