The Way I See It - And the word was not good

Well, the Audit Commission did so recently and opponents of the 10mph speed limit for Windermere have said it repeatedly.

And what do people think about the Friends of the Lake District?

I received a letter this week outraged at "an article in the Society section of the Guardian in which Ian Brodie, director of FOLD is quoted as saying that the Lake District is not a tourist resort."

Not having the strength or willpower to plough through somewhat tedious Guardian articles, I can't say in exactly what context that remark may have been made, but such things all add grist to the mill of the fuddy-duddy image of FOLD.

Some time ago John Evans, of Flookburgh, produced a couple of satirical stories on life under the rule of the national park authority and they proved popular with readers of this column.

Now he takes another tilt at those in charge.

"In the beginning, the word was good and the people re-joiced. But then sadness fell over the Kingdom of Draconia. The great leader, His Imperial Majesty, Peter The Great, was passed over and presented with a golden Obe'.

"Verily, however, few citizens of Draconia heard of his passing, for the Palace was out of touch with its subjects, the common people.

The new king, King Michael, was sorely distressed to hear the news from the south that only one star shone above the Palace and yet neighbouring Kingdoms had two or three.

And it came to pass that King Michael, expressed his disappointment and summoned all the chiefs of the Kingdom to come forth and deliver a new decree.

The Gospel according to Paul, thus became the new word and was considered good by all those that read it. But few actually read the notice, displayed as it was on the third lamppost outside the Palace, except dog walkers and vagrants.

So King Michael had to send out a further decree. Every third family of residents were to be rounded up by

members of the Fellowship Of Loyal Draconians, (FOLD for short) to hear Paul's Gospel. However, so few members of FOLD actually lived inside the Kingdom, that this took many months to organise.

But it happened, that in the third month of the year 2005, the Gospel according to Paul was finally heard throughout the Kingdom.

The people were astounded to hear that 318 powerboats were to be seen on Lake Windermere on any typical day. To prove this, a huge cannon was positioned in Bowness Bay. Manned by Rangers, it was dutifully fired at noon every day.

Results were disappointing as it seldom hit anything and far from being canonised' as hoped, Paul's Gospel was considered flawed and brought into disrepute. And behold Europe's busiest lake' was beheld to be a public highway and so it was decreed that all public highways in Draconia should also have a 10mph restriction imposed.

It was at this time that the "Byways Open to All Traffic," (BOATS for short) should also receive a speed restriction in common with all boats on the water.

Verily, however, this fell upon stony ground, and the common people rose up and in one voice proclaimed: "Enough is enough!" This became the word and it was considered good.

King Michael packed his bags and retired to his summer Palace in a sunnier Kingdom and everyone lived happily ever after."

MESSY BUSINESS

JOHN WILSON, of Windermere points out that in the Gazette it was reported that South Lakeland District Council is exploring the idea of enlisting the services of parking wardens, refuse collection supervisors and the like to stamp out dog fouling in our streets, parks and

playgrounds.

"Let us hope they are issued with suitable footwear for the task, otherwise things could become a whole lot messier," he says adding: "I think our constabulary would be better suited to the job, given their traditional large boots.

May 2, 2003 13:00