ALL over the nation the bicentenary of the Battle of Trafalgar has just been celebrated.

I feel I cannot let the occasion go by without passing on to readers a wonderful e-mail I was sent telling how the battle might have gone if it had happened in current times.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated. What's the meaning of this? England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability."

Hardy: "Admiralty policy sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir. Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter.

Hardy: "He's too busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral, as we have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried Admiral They that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on disciplinary. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age."

Nelson: "Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case - kiss me, Hardy."

FLIGHT OF FANCY...

I WAS amused by the picture on the front of The Times of Romanian workers spraying the outside of a train with disinfectant because it had come from an area 100 miles away where there had been bird flu.

What good would that do? Unless, of course, back at the start point a Romanian sparrow had been talking to is mate and said: "I've got a bit of sniffle and a hell of a sore throat today. I don't think I'm up to flying to Bucharest this morning. I'll just grab a standard single and go by train."

PAYBACK TIME...

CLOSING South Lakeland District Council cash desks in Kendal, Windermere and Ulverston has become a hot topic.

It has infuriated pensioners and others who like to take their bags of pennies round in person to pay Council Tax, rent and parking fines and at the same time give the hapless officials a bit of a tongue-lashing.

Yet despite the controversy, councillors decided not to reconsider, but to accept the money-saving closure wheeze dreamed up by its cabinet.

That point was not lost on one venerable pensioner from Windermere, my old friend Stewart Hulse, who said: "At the next council election when they come grovelling up this constituent's path for your vote with promises of serving the public all they will get is a rude gesture."

He also makes another telling point, saying: "If we only need the cabinet to make a major decision which concerns people who are vulnerable, don't have a bank account and rely on a friendly face at the cash desks to discuss personal problems, why do we need so many councillors in the first place?"

"We could probably save more than the projected £130,000 by getting rid of them and just electing the cabinet. With fewer faces to hide behind it would also be easier then to put the blame for things that go wrong on the right people and kick them out at the next election."