Chaos Theory

Today I received a letter from a friend who doesn't know what to do with her life. She's 21, a few years younger than me, and is just about to go off travelling through India, Australia and South America. She's envious of me because I know what I want to do with my life. And of course, I'm not at all envious of her!

Ironically, she sees me as someone who knows what I want to do with my life despite the fact that I have spent much of the last decade trying to work it out in my own mind.

What's for sure is that even when you think your life is sorted and you think you know exactly where it's taking you, surprises good and bad - can spring up when you least expect them. For those with a plan, such surprises can throw them off course. If you have an open, unplanned future, perhaps you're always ready for the unexpected.

So, are these people who appear to be totally in control and know exactly what they want any happier? They seem to accomplish all their goals and relish the planning and the drawing up of lists, but how do they cope when things don't go according to plan? Is there more room for big disappointments and disaster when you're actually imposing control on your life? At least if you're letting life take its course, you are prepared for the potential need for a sudden change.

When we are certain of what we want, do we restrict ourselves and close doors that might otherwise open and lead us to new and exciting possibilities? Do we become so set on achieving a certain goal that we become unable to think clearly and assess situations for what they really are? Do we fail to peer through other doors and check out the options?

When I was 17 I wrote a list of aims for my life. Sadly or amazingly, whichever way you look at it, ten years later, I had already achieved these aims and much more, and also experienced things that I wouldn't have thought to write on my list. So, what now? More aims or should I just sit back and let it all un-ravel?

The thing is, there's un-ravel like kittens do to a ball of wool, or there's un-ravel like Cleopatra coming out of a luxurious Egyptian rug. Which is more desirable? The former is usually based on spontaneous fun but creates a lot of mess; the latter took a lot of planning but had great effect. I suppose some of us want it all - the style and impact of Cleopatra's planning coupled with the random fun of a kitten. Is there such a thing though?

At least if you wake up every morning not quite sure of what might unfold in the day ahead, you won't be disappointed if things don't go according to plan. Because you have no plan. Or is that just using chaos theory as a way out of accepting that you can't face making plans because you have no confidence in your ability to stick to them?

Is chaos really just a way out for those of us who are uncertain about what we want?