IN THE aftermath of last week's gales I am told that two electricity workers were repairing overhead lines north of Kendal when one got a big stone stuck in the tread on the sole of his wellie.

In an attempt to dislodge it, he grabbed hold of a pylon and began shaking his leg furiously.

Unfortunately his mate thought he was being electrocuted, rushed to the rescue and used a shovel to knock him clear of the pylon - breaking his collarbone in the process.

It is a story of the "I'd like to believe it, but I am not sure that I do" variety and of the same vein is the tale passed on to me by Gazette photographer Steve Barber who, despite my doubts, insists that it is true.

A lad from a Westmorland village with little experience of the big world outside passed his driving test and his first job was to take a lorry load of timber from his dad's woodyard to London.

Off he went down the motorway, but he became confused after reaching the end of the M1.

So he pulled over an asked a passer by: "Is this London?"

"Yes."

"Well where do you want your wood dropping?"

UMZUZU!

WILLIAM Walker, of Holme, e-mailed, saying: "Gordon Brown's recent tour of Africa inconsequentially reminded me of another politician's visit to that part of the world.

"The tale goes as follows: "At a meeting organised by his hosts the great man addressed the crowd: "We will bring you prosperity." To which the crowd cheerfully roared, "Umzuzu!"

This was followed by, "We will bring you peace." Gleefully the crowd roared, "Umzuzu!"

Encouraged, the great man went on, "We will free you from hunger, disease and poverty."

Enthusiastically the people roared, "Umzuzu!

Pleased with his performance, the great man continued with his tour, next visiting a cattle-breeding station. As he strolled about he turned to his native aide and said, "Well that seemed to go down well don't you think?"

"Yes sir," replied his aide, "but be careful here, don't step in the Umzuzu!"

HIP PINS?

QUEUEING in Grange Co-op one of my neighbours spotted an advertisement to customers, taped to the back of one of the cash tills, which read: new hip and pin system starting in January.' "Thinking of the elderly of the town with their walking sticks I hoped that this innovation by the Co-op to help out the NHS might give them some relief, but I was wrong," she said.

"As I neared the counter I realised part of the notice was covered over by another.

"The letter C' had been hidden and the sign should actually have read New chip and pin system', which is possibly not so welcome."

WHOOPS!

COLIN Eastwood and Darren Butterworth e-mailed me to say: "We read with interest the latest instalment in the "Centre of UK" debate.

"However, we are deeply concerned that your particular page of the Gazette is being kept in 2004 by the typesetter.

"Have you wronged him?"

Sorry about that, I hope we won't be behind the times this week.