TAKING pride of place in Hawkshead's attempt to win the Cumbria in Bloom competition is a flower-bedecked muck-spreader.

Pauline Carter, one of the organisers of the village entry, tells me she was somewhat taken aback when a tourist from London asked her: "What is that thing?"

"It's a muck-spreader."

"Well, what exactly does it do?"

I would suggest that the best way to educate citizens of the capital on manure redistribution would be to make a couple of passes up and down Oxford Street with a muck-spreader going full-bore then they will understand the ways of rural life.

RULES ARE RULES'...

BEWARE of referees with tape measures.

This cautionary tale came to me from my brother Steve and his wife Denise, who were running the snack bar at Leighton Town, in the Southern League last Saturday.

Everyone was ready for the match to start except the referee who, as he was new to the ground, decided to measure the goalpost and found that the crossbars were four inches too low.

Both teams said: "It's the same for both of us, let's get on with the match," but the ref insisted on phoning the Football Association, which said: "rules are rules the crossbars must be raised."

The problem was that both sets of posts have been firmly anchored in concrete for years and were immovable.

After much thought club officials produced shovels, dug four-inch deep trenches along each goal-line and re-painted the white line in the bottom.

Rules satisfied to the letter of the law, the game went ahead.

Still it's an ill-wind that blows nobody any good, my brother said: "The crowd was hanging around for an hour and half waiting with nothing to do, we had sold all the food by half-time and were able to pack up and go home. Best day we have ever had."

REFUND U-TURN...

WESTMORLAND Gazette angling correspondent Patrick Arnold was the victim of credit card fraud, finding that £326.15 had been wrongly taken from his HSBC Visa, but when he tried to report it to HSBC he hit upon a couple of snags.

Firstly the overseas-based call centre he phoned on a Saturday told him that the fraud department only operated from Monday to Friday (presumably thieves are now so well off that they don't need to commit crimes during the weekend.

Secondly the operator told him that amounts under £500 were deemed to be below the fraud limit and the loss was pretty much his hard luck.

Fortunately Patrick had reported the incident to the police as soon as he realised the problem and an Incident Log Sheet had been made up.

Surprisingly, when he mentioned to the call centre operator that it was in the hands of the police there was a sudden change of attitude.

He has been told the money will be refunded and HSBC will contact the police!