Is happiness shaped more by our work or relationships?

Both can be transitory, and failure in one is often rooted in problems with the other. Women often have great difficulty balancing the two - if they give up work to have a family, they are throwing away the life that the previous generation had to fight for, but if they work too hard and try to juggle family and a career, or opt just for a career, they are selfish.

Gywneth Paltrow has recently decried working mothers, but how many can honestly stay at home watching films they once starred in? In her film, Sliding Doors, her character certainly suffered from working long hours, because her boyfriend was doing his own overtime with his ex-lover. Maybe that's why Gwyneth stays at home now.

I have been criticised for allowing my job to define me and condition my happiness. However, ability to balance work and life, and still earn enough money to support the life style that will make me satisfied will undoubtedly affect my happiness. Who could honestly say it wouldn't? The over-worked may be financially comfortable but stressed, however, someone earning less money than they need in order to live their chosen lifestyle may be frustrated and possibly depressed.

Isn't it realistic to assume that someone happy in their chosen work will be happier in life beyond? It doesn't equate with living to work'. I certainly work to live, but when I'm content, satisfied, and challenged in my work, it colours the rest of my life. Work doesn't define me, but it certainly affects my enthusiasm for life and how I feel about myself.

How many of us are really dragging ourselves to work, or are we secretly looking forward to it? How many regard it as a social event, a form of escapism from dusting, a place to vent aggression and insecurities? It's clear to me that when my colleagues are content in their romances or marriages, they seem less motivated to be career climbing. Only when things go wrong do they start pulling out all the stops and doing extra hours drowning themselves in extra meetings and paperwork rather than turning to alcohol or shopping. Perhaps work is the new feel-good therapy when relationships don't make us happy any longer.

A friend of mine who is to be married in a few weeks' time tells me that he and his partner, who both work in London, have an agreement to work no more than 50 hours a week and they aren't prepared to spend more than one week in total away from home each month. They feel very satisfied with this and their relationship works. Another friend has just split up with her city executive boyfriend because they had no life outside his work. Now they have no relationship at all. Does it really have to be either/or?

At the end of the day (whatever time that may be for you), since we spend a substantial proportion of our life at work, isn't the most important thing to be sure that our work suits us, and if we enjoy our work, where is the harm in doing overtime? There seems little point in criticising the approach that others take to the dilemma. In the words of Edith Wharton, by demanding too much of life and love we risk everlasting dissatisfaction.' If someone's work makes him or her feel better about themselves, where's the problem? Not everyone depends on other people to shape their happiness.

Amy...