HOW Gordon Ramsay has survived this far without someone deep frying his ass on a combi oven is a mystery known only to him, HELL'S KITCHEN (ITV).

One day in the future, Mr Ramsay is going to swear at someone armed with either a heavy rolling pin or an encyclopaedic knowledge of union rights, who will react accordingly.

But for all his faults, I like Gordon because he's one of the few celebrities that tells it like it is.

After all, which other celebrity chef would roast Vic Reeves alive for asking for a fried egg? The worst you'd get from Delia would be an aggressive whisking of the egg whites.

And in a world where we no longer call a spade a spade but a multi-purpose topsoil cultivator, we need characters not cardboard cut-outs.

If you've avoided it, Hell's Kitchen is a working restaurant in London where every night a team of untrained celebrity staff are roundly abused by Gordon and his footsoldiers for a few hours.

Out in the dining area, 70 celebrity customers either chew their fingernails waiting for the food or hang around to become the butt of Angus Deayton's sarcasm. Finally last week the red and blue team dished up the grub to every diner before the 11pm deadline.

I have two problems with the show. Struggling to find the dramatic value in Gordon shouting: "Oh no, the risotto's burnt!" is the first.

Secondly, if you're not familiar with the workings of a big kitchen, you can't really see the problems brewing.

But on the face of it, I thought this series was going to be indigestible - another tired example of celebrityism, but to be honest it's grown on me.

Of course, I've had to ignore the fact that I don't see the point in posh nosh when a mixed grill or fry-up tastes better and costs less.

I've also had to shut off the fact that Gordon regularly chucks tonnes of food away because it doesn't look good enough.

Try telling a dying kid in Africa that they're not having the souffl because there's a fingerprint on it The broad interpretation of "celebrity" is becoming increasingly, well, broad.

I'm sure the Thesauraus needs to be amended for the entry to read: "used to be famous."

The celebrities here are Amanda Barrie (ex-Coronation Street) Belinda Carlisle (ex pop star) Edwina Currie (ex MP and John Major's ex) Dwain Chambers (ex-sprinter) Roger Cook (ex-investigative reporter) James Dreyfus (ex-Gimme, Gimme, Gimme) Jennifer Ellison (ex-Brookside) Matt Goss (ex-Bros) Al Murray (ex Oxford University, apparently) and Abi Titmuss (John Leslie's ex). To be fair to Gordon, he's not so one-dimensional that all he does is shout. Infact, compared to his days when he was bidding for three Michelin stars, he's even started offering some gentle encouragement, albeit with a few f-words thrown in.

Does he fancy managing Liverpool FC?

EASTENDERS (BBC1) Love and marriage doesn't last long in soaps, does it?

Forget the seven-year itch, if the "happy couple" get to the reception, they're doing well.

Which brings me onto Mr and Mrs Alfie Moon - less than six months after they tied the knot in a Christmas Day special, the chances of them surviving longer than their wedding cake are slim. To say their marriage is on the rocks, is about as big an understatement as standing on the deck of the Titanic and saying: "Can you hear water, or is it just me?"

Of course, Kat and Alfie are putting a brave face on it and trying to move on but somehow I think things could come back to haunt them.

The whole sorry and unsavoury saga unfolded last week after Kat explained how she managed to pay off Andy, as Alfie howled in tearful disbelief.

This was a rare moment for Eastenders - superb acting from both parties.

But I don't like this storyline because I thought Kat and Alfie were indestructible, or at least deserved to be. After all, doesn't the law of averages demand that the poor viewer gets to see at least one happy marriage? Even if it is every 10 years CORONATION STREET (ITV) following the Todd-Karl-Sara triangle that's been going on for about 15 years I'd just like to say - thank god that's over with.