I LIKE the story sent to me by someone just over the border in Yorkshire with whom we have done business over the years. He said: "They came to our place collecting for the village hall roof, so I popped into one of the buildings and brought them a bucket of slates. They looked at it rather agog, so I said, last week they came collecting for the swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water!" Say what you like, but that's real country humour and, knowing him, I'm sure he would see them right after having his joke.

Thanks to an old friend I am now up to speed with one of the latest antics of our newest farming minister Ben Bradshaw. I understand he has already put into being an amazing idea. The reason I say an idea rather than his idea is because, I suspect, it will have been put to him by his officials at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.

I understand that he has paid out quite a large sum of public money to a company called Risk Solutions Ltd in return for a cost benefit analysis on methods to use in combating another epidemic of foot-and-mouth disease.

Private Eye puts it in Ben Bradshaw's own flowing language (but he doesn't fool me): "This will refine the Decision Tree on which disease option to use". What livestock farmers the length and breadth of the United Kingdom would have to say about that would probably be unprintable.

If Private Eye could have got to him they would have saved us all a deal of money as they would have suggested, as I would, that he consulted back numbers of some newspapers of 2001 - when those responsible went in for a policy of kill, kill, kill and keep killing animals. Then he should jot down on the proverbial envelope 2001, say nine million killed, cost of drastic policy £9 billion, then cost per animal, say £1,000. He could next have written emergency vaccination, 50p per animal. He could then calculate the cost saving per animal would be £999.50. Now he could conclude that vaccination would be cheaper without going anywhere near consultants. As readers of this column will know, I lend my support to the recommendations of the Northumberland Committee of 1967.

If another reason was needed why Ben Bradshaw should not have spent all that taxpayers' money on consultants; how about this? DEFRA officials already know the cost of the crazy, ill thought out and illegal mass slaughter policy which was frowned on by many other countries and one where much money was wasted. Going in for a cost exercise is just going through useless and expensive motions. To top it all, as the officials know and the minister ought to know, in any further outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease the first option in tackling the disease will be vaccination as laid down in EU directives by Brussels so it would appear that Ben Bradshaw will have no say whatsoever and neither will the British government. The power has been handed to the EU food safety commissioner in Brussels so do as they like, our lot are irrelevant.

Just to remind you about the contiguous cull, the Chief Vet warned: "It is probably illegal"; Professor Anderson, in his enquiry, questioned the legality; two law professors at Cardiff University concluded it was illegal; the EU foot-and-mouth disease committee dec-lared it illegal but the Government claimed to have got it right. Not that it will make any difference, but I'm saying it was illegal as well.

Dialect word: Blackin meaning scolding.

Thought for the day: Give a politician some facts and he'll draw his own confusions.