MARKET day in Kendal was a bit of a let-down for one trader last week.

His attempt to go home at the end of the day was thwarted when his van gave a lurch and one of the rear wheels disappeared down a hole created as part of United Utilities current "turn the centre of Kendal into an obstacle course" project and thoughtfully covered by a piece of thin board.

The on-the-spot picture (see below) was e-mailed to me by the owner of the paper shop in Market Place, the first I have ever been sent directly from one of the new-style mobile phones.

If any other readers see anything funny, then you can e-mail it to me at: dennis.aris@kendal.newsquest.

co.uk.

LEGAL SEARCH TIGHT security these days mean that anyone going in to Kendal Magistrates Court has to undergo a rudimentary search, which involves turning out pockets and/or handbags so that the ushers can be sure that nobody is trying to sneak a pocket grenade launcher or similar into the building.

Reporter Michaela Robinson-Tate was awaiting her turn last week when the man ahead of her began turning out his pockets.

A pile of pencils, pens, handkerchiefs and other usual oddments began to rise, then came a rather more attention-grabbing large handful of contraceptives followed by a pair of fancy handcuffs and a key!

I am also told that at another court session, a local vagrant turned up in court with his guitar, after being dealt with for a minor offence, he offered to give the magistrates a couple of Elvis numbers before he left.

To our reporter's everlasting disappointment, the magistrates declined.

LUCKY BRAKE I AM reliably told that last week a Flookburgh man went to Barrow-in-Furness railway station, parked his car and went to meet his wife from the train.

They went back to the car to drive home and the car had disappeared.

There was much dashing about and a phone call to the police reporting the theft was about to be made when the car was spotted.

It turned out that the car had not been stolen, The husband had forgotten to put the handbrake on and the car had rolled gently back across the car park and slotted itself into an empty space among the cars on the other side without doing the slightest bit of damage.

BRANCHING OUT LEYLANDII were given a vote of approval by the Lake District National Park Authority the other week.

Indeed, Dr John Jeffray went as far as to say that criticising the conifers which have been at the centre of disputes between neighbours nationwide could even be regarded as "tree racism."

"They are large and respectable trees," he said.

The LDNPA even went as far as considering putting a tree preservation order on two out of four large Leylandii in Winston Drive, Windermere, as the "loss of all four would have a significant adverse impact on visual amenity."

Sadly, they backed off, despite Dr Jeffray's plea for racial equality for the overgrown shrubs.

I guess the climbdown was because a TPO would have netted them almost as much adverse national publicity as the Windermere 10mph speed limit.