What’s it meant to be?

Not all of these are by celebrity interviewers or the police.

Many of the questioners are by ordinary and seemingly intelligent members of the public.

In case any of my readers (Ian and Sheila) are thinking of becoming cartoonists, here is a brief round up to prepare them for the inquisition ahead.

The first question is the most damning.

Q: What’s it meant to be?

A (Resisting temptation to poke interrogator with drawing implement): It isn’t meant to BE anything, it just IS.

Q: Can you do proper drawings?

A: Yes but I prefer to do improper ones.

Q: Have you always been able to draw?

A: Always. I used to decorate my mother’s womb with cartoons.

Q: Do you get paid for drawing like that?

A: No, I get paid for answering questions. That will be £25 please.

Q: Have you thought of becoming an artist?

A: No, I don’t like drinking.

Q: Did you just draw that? (I was once asked this by someone who has just watched me draw)

A: No, it’s an automatic pencil.

Q: Can you do me a quick scribble for my son / daughter / brother / mum’s birthday / gay marriage / coming out of prison celebration?

(Danger,danger, Will Robinson: ‘Quick scribble’ means they don’t want to pay for it. If someone is getting a drawing for free, suddenly they become the art editor from hell and feel they can fiddle with every aspect until the sun exhausts its supply of hydrogen.

After grappling with this for a number of years, and building up burning resentment and blood feuds on all sides, I hit on the idea of making the fee a large donation to a charity of my choice.)

Q: When are you going to get a proper job? (Usually asked by someone resenting the fact that they have got a boring proper job and you have somehow avoided it.)

A: Never.

Q: Do you sell your originals?

A: Yes.

But not always. I also occasionally give them away to friends who, for some reason, invariably hang them in the loo. Life is cruel and harsh, Arabella.

Q: What else do you do?

A: It varies.

This last one is the most common question a cartoonist gets asked. It irritated Mel Calman so much he made it the title of his autobiography.

The question implies (a) it can’t be a real job and (b) it only took you five minutes so how else do you fill your time?

There really is only one answer: “The rewards of cartooning are so great, I spend a half an hour a week doing this and the rest on my personal, private yacht in the Bahamas.”

Who knows? One day it might be true.