Thank you for buying the KimSung Digibox 4000 Freeview Receiver. Your new Freeview Digital Television Set-Top Box has a well-publicised blend of unique, advanced technological features. Your purchase means we are closer to paying off our Advertising Standards Authority fine.

Please take time to read this instruction book before you use your receiver. The instructions have been written in impenetrable English by our technical staff, none of whom have a social life or have communicated with real human beings other than via Twitter for some years now.

1. Unpack the Receiver. The KimSung Digibox 4000 Freeview Receiver is a delicate piece of technology and the packaging is designed to protect it right up to the point where you try and extract it from the box.

2. Make sure you have all the parts listed overleaf. One or more of these will be missing. Ring our sales department on 0871 444 8762 for replacements, calls charged at 10 pence a minute and may be monitored to see how long you are willing to be held in a queue.

3. Dispose of the packaging carefully. Much of it is harmful to carbon-based life forms and the only way we could think to get rid of it was use it as packaging for your Receiver.

4. Connect your KimSung Digibox 4000 Freeview Receiver to your TV using the enclosed diagram (if missing see 2 above). If you have an LCD flatscreen television made in the last year, it will have HDMI sockets which are too new for the KimSung Digibox 4000 Freeview Receiver. Televisions older than one year will have older standard connectors not supported by your Freeview Receiver. Sockets 3 though 49 are not for use and are fitted to make the Receiver look complicated. We got this idea from Amstrad.

5. Plug your Receiver into the mains. The loud fizzing noise is normal.

6. Switch on your Receiver and press MENU, SET UP, BEGIN and SEEK on your remote control.

7. Put batteries in remote control and repeat Step 7 above. Batteries not supplied.

8. POSKOK will appear on the Receiver’s LED display. The default language is Polish. This cannot be altered. If AUTODESTRUKCJI appears you are advised to leave the building immediately.

9. Your Receiver will automatically scan all available channels and instal them in the channel menu, although not in any logical order. None of the interesting channels will be available due to the demented fashion the government has instigated digital switchover in your region.

10. After watching, put Receiver into SLEEP MODE, where it will contribute enormously to global warming and your electricity bill. If you unplug your Receiver at the mains the LED screen will display OPOR JEST DAREMNY followed by OSTRZEZENIE AUTODESCTRUCT W PIEC SEKUND. This is normal.

We hope your new KimSung Digibox 4000 Freeview Receiver will give you many minutes of enjoyment and our Technical Help Line (0871 444 2678 calls charged at 10 pence per second and may be monitored give our engineers a good laugh) looks forward to hearing from you soon.

Please note: You will have to go through all of this again in July and once more in 2015 when the government caves in to lobbying by the electronics industry and renders all your FM radio sets useless.