This week I have been exploring the unknown, passing beyond this veil of tears to ask: What lies Beyond? Is there an After Life? No, not more bus adverts but surfing the supernatural highway to explore haunted houses, creepy castles and paranormal phenomena.

It has been very educational. As with all endeavours involving the undead, the most important factor appears to be - location, location, location.

Ghosts require spooky buildings wherein to haunt. Old castles are good, ruined abbeys excellent. The more unpleasant the goings on that have been going on in a building, the better a ghost likes it. Strangely, they’re quite keen on properties open to the public. Some stately homes even allow you to stay overnight in the hope of having a scary experience. A bit like visiting your parents-in-law.

Unrequited love affairs are a splendid source of the paranormal. A relationship comes to a sticky end and someone immediately jumps off the nearest battlement. Other career ghosts include the overtly religious, who get walled up with depressing regularity, and servant girls who are horribly ravished by the 14th Earl and return to haunt their bed chambers.

My favourites are the poltergeists. These make their presence felt by throwing furniture around to display their unease. I feel like that every time I see a reality TV show.

Look for a ghost and you’ll find a ghost hunter. These come armed with a variety of exciting toys, including electromagnetic field sensors, infra-red thermometers and motion sensors. If you’re that scared, I’d have thought the last one rather superfluous.

They also feel obliged to peddle scientific-sounding explanations. As a general guideline, your twaddle-o-meter should hit maximum if any of these phrases occur: “quantum effect”, “science cannot explain it”, “you cannot discount anecdotal evidence.”

One bunch investigated a hotel in Norfolk and unearthed a gay ghost. I won’t go into detail about how they discovered it was gay; suffice it to say two male members of the team were seriously perturbed.

The most famous television spook-botherers are the Most Haunted team,. They seem to have had their fingers in every priest hole in the country. A good friend of mine asserts that some of their shows are genuinely scary. It’s difficult to judge as most of their activities exist on a higher astral plane - i.e. digital television - but I suspect my friend may need to cut back on the caffeine.

So does South Lakeland suffer any ghoulish phenomena? The UK Paranormal Database offers the following gem: “Location of paranormal activity - Ambleside's Clock Tower. Description of haunting - strange feelings and mild poltergeist activity around the toilets.”

If that’s the best the undead can do, I think we’re pretty safe.

Wait a minute … what just went bump?