COULD it be that the recently spotted Windermere monster is a reappearance of the infamous killer pike that inhabited the lake way back in the 1980s?

The four-metre long mechanical monster was specially built for a film that never made it to the silver screen and years later ended up ignominiously hung by the tail at the Low Wood Ski Centre.

Now I wonder if disgruntled water skiers, still seething at being kicked off the lake by the 10mph speed limit, have put it back into commission to scare the hell out of other lake users on the premise of "If we can't use the lake neither will they."

The killer pike was a blatant attempt to cash in on the publicity which at the time surrounded Jaws and the film people claimed the pike was able swim authentically and leap out of the water.

Sadly, it never actually worked, but the announcement that Joan Collins, at that time starring in the Dynasty series, had read the script and would be on hand for a photo call, brought the national press and television at the run, although it turned out later she had merely been paid an appearance fee similar to opening a supermarket.

At Waterhead we were all loaded on to a tourist launch and told we would be amazed and terrified when the pike came swimming around the boat and launched itself out of the water. So we chugged down the lake with the press corps becoming more cynical by the minute as the pike failed to appear.

Approaching Low Wood we saw a fin lazily moving backwards and forwards in the water but, as we got closer, it was apparent that its movement was being caused by a diver who was pushing it by the tail.

Eventually it was dragged from the water and embarrassed-looking mechanics worked for a while until the fish could be made to lethargically open and shut its mouth.

Joan Collins (pictured left with the pike) appeared and there were cries from the photographers of "put your head in its mouth Joan," all except from one fed-up national newspaper man who was shouting: "No, let the pike put its head in your mouth."

Photo session over, the prospective producer made the final gaff to ensure the amount of publicity he got was minimal."The refreshments are on the table over there," he announced and the hard-drinking press corps raced over to be confronted with gallons of orange squash!

CHIEF QUESTIONS...

SOMEWHAT surprisingly I can't think of anything that the Lake District National Park Authority has done wrong in the past year - the imposition of the 10mph speed limit on Windermere is after all almost ancient history now.

So why does the LDNPA need to spend £86,000, plus benefits, on appointing a new chief executive when they have got along so nicely without one since Paul Tiplady went on his lengthy sabbatical?

The figure comes from a recently published job advertisment, which contained another puzzle. Why do applicants have to telephone 01458 835737 and speak to somebody based in distant Glastonbury? More money down the drain at the poor old taxpayers' expense, I suspect.